Monday, May 30, 2005

I am cool

Hey guess what?
I am not old school, new school, or the first school. When the hell was that used as some sort of phrase that meant something. Especially when most people never went to school or can't spell. (like me) But I hate that frickin phrase "that's old school". Shut the hell up!
You know why?
Because I am keeping it real. That is right all the time I was keeping it fake, now it's real.
Get that = keeping it real
now = keeping it fake
So get the difference? That's right You mudlicking bastards!

I saw Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - loved it
Light and interesting.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Weekend

Spent the weekend looking at cars. An adventure of assbags. Why assbags?, because Cars salesmen maybe some of the weirdiest bunch of jack-o-mo's ever. Any how we saw a mini van to trade for the one we bought from Toni's parents (and traded the Tercel). The Pontiac Montana, a huge beast, that smelled of smoke, drove like a tank, and had several minor quirks, like windshield wiper that could catapult a small child over the vehicle, sucked. So we were going to trade for a Honda Odyssey, but we talked ourselves out of it after going through 87% of paperwork. The best part is that we went to several dealerships afterwards and "talked shop" with assbags.
Now the best part is that my lovely wife and me (5% me) had some joy because we knew what we wanted, knew how much we could afford, what are credit was, etc. So when a assbag says "Payments of $297 for 68 months, and a trade value of $4000." We laugh say the equivalent of BULLSHIT and restate what we want.
Long Story Short....We bought new car 2 year loan, great trade in value, power doors, 6 cd player, airbags, side airbags, room for dogs and (baby) It is a great car in good condition.
TONI ROCKS!!, smart did all the number crunching before hand.! It was fun being rude to saleman.
"have you thought about this?"
no
"do you have 5 minutes"
yes
"okay let's look at this car....(out price range, totatlly wrong type)"
okay, but you have less than 5 minutes
"do you have any money for a down payment? like $500"
I saw a penny on the floor of my car.
"Not even $100 for a down payment?"
That penny is still there
"you have great credit and make alot of money why don't you have any money for a downpayment?"
Well, it's ours
"I am going to get fired if I take this in to my manager"
And?
The list goes on and on. Although the people at Heritage were really nice. They gave us a great offer for the Honda and we talked ourselves out of it.

Pictures to follow (most likely of the car, some of naked dogs!!!!)


The other thing that was funny about the weekend is the public restrooms.
Both at work and on my spare time. It is hilarious the amount of people trying to take stealth poops, like later in the day someone will point them out. Like no one makes noise and they need to keep it down or wait until no one is around, to go. Unless they are doing something else in the bathroom, then it is best that they are quite. (no comment)
ex.
"That's him, (excessive finger pointing) he was taking the loudest crap, you wouldn't believe it."
It is the restroom do your business and go, you should have to worry about it. Besides, no one will ask in a job interview
"are you a noisy pooper?"

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Somewhere

Somewhere ...........There is a unicorn waiting to KICK YOUR ASS!
Why? You may ask. The reasons are thrice (that's right thrice !!!)
1- Unicorns are mythical creatures of ultimate purity (or so nonsense). How the hell do I know that? I watched Clash of the Titans, but that's a joke because that is a Pegasus not a unicorn. But according to all mythological sources unicorn=good. This means that they would not conspire to kick anyones ass, unless you were evil. So face it your evil.

2- You are in a cubicle not 3 cubicles away listening to music that I can only describe at the soundtrack to the animated hobbit movie, which don't get me wrong is great for a animated movie containing "hobbits" (and not giraffes..A common mistake), but for an office were people "work" it sucks. I want to get my lute and beat him senseless, maybe I'll shove some other medieval musical instrument in his arse!! And I'll get the unicorn to help they are down....dog (that's right I said it!!!)

3-Can you kick a unicorn's ass? NO, that's right. They are fucking tough, even for creatures that don't exist. That's why they aren't allowed in ultimate fighting, kickboxing, karate, boxing, tough man competitions, because they would dominate. They aren't even allowed to run for governor, because they would win. Now, Imagine the damage to the psyche of anyone beat by a unicorn.....
"man I suck, I was just beaten by a unicorn. Now what, guess I'll go work at Burger King or Waffle Hut, or make gay porn"
We can't have it, the UN has decreed that no unicorns shall be allowed to compete in any events of a competitive nature.

Strange but try Hippies!
Now if I could only get the birds not to poop on my house, would putting a quad 50 cal in my front yard be overkill?

Thursday, May 05, 2005

There is a man

There is a friggin dude outside the window. He is won't leave. He is wearing tights, a crowns, a robe, and he trying to give me a platter with food. DAMN is he creeepy! His facial expressions never change and he is always smiling. I don't know what to do? Good thing I got a sword. There is something about ordering a sword and cheesecake in the mail and having them delivered at the same time.
I was just waiting for someone to steal it going around with a sword and a cheesecake. That's when I decided that a new career was waiting to be started. "Sword wielding Cheesecake Stealing Pirate"...
The only minor problems I can see with that is
1. No insurance - although if injured on the job it is a worker's comp claim and hey if you are a "sword wielding cheesecake stealing pirate", I am pretty sure you are going to get injure , a lot
2. I don't know how much work you would have.
3. Eye patches - uniform requirement?